First post – Jealousy

Jealousy

I have chosen jealousy as the first subject to write about. There are several definitions of the word and therefore I have narrowed it down to the definition I will analyse; Suspecting rivalry in love and experiencing a fear of being replaced. It also has to be said that there are two kinds of threats that can develop jealousy in a relationship, real threats and perceived ones. This will be discussed later on in my text.  As for the reason why I have chosen this subject, there are several reasons.

First of all, jealousy is something I have been in contact with many times. Both in my own relationships and by witnessing others relations I have found jealousy being a problem more than once.

Also, I have seen many relations getting destroyed by jealousy. Mainly because the person having these issues wasn’t able to acknowledge his or her own emotions and why they where there in the first place.

My main reason for writing about this subject is to make people understand that jealousy is something that you can defeat. It is not something that you have to live with your whole life and it is not something that has to destroy your relationships.

Understanding jealousy

Jealousy is a force that drives some of us to distraction. An emotion often described as anger, insecurity or anxiety of being betrayed or left alone. A force that is partly driven by our self defense mechanism but can also be driven by insecurity in our selves.

Jealousy can mean that you want something that somebody else has but it can also mean that you experience that your partner is betraying you, doing things behind your back.

The feeling of jealousy can be (but is not always) irrational. Referring to what I wrote earlier about real threats and perceived threats; feeling jealous is after all a natural part of being human. The emotion is part of our evolutionary instincts, a warning that a relationship of value is in danger. If a relationship has been damaged before, maybe by one partner being unfaithful, there is a bigger risk that jealousy will be a problem in the relationship. And that is somewhat normal, since it can be hard to feel trust between one another if a destructive event has occurred before.

However, many relations struggle with this problem even though a trust-destructing event has never occurred.

We must remember that the keyword of jealousy is insecurity. The insecurity can be something that disturbs the whole relationship, between both parts. A lack of trust from both sides which results in an insecurity for the whole relationship. The insecurity can also be something that only one part of the relation is struggling with, when the other part is not. Of course both parts are affected by it, but only one part is feeling jealous. This is when you need to find out whether your jealousy is based of a real threat or a perceived threat.

Discover unhealthy jealousy

If jealousy is a problem in your relationship and it seems like it is only coming from your end, you need to start examine what the reason is and whether your emotions are rational or not. To be able to do this, you have to look at your relationship from the outside. This can be very hard and one may need help from friends or a therapist. You need to distinguish if your reaction to the situations where you feel jealousy is reasonable or not. Maybe the emotions are based on your view of yourself, that you feel insecure about the fact that your partner can be satisfied with you as their partner.

Counteracting jealousy

A person with jealousy problems that comes from personal insecurity must start by strengthening their own self-picture. You must to believe that the person you are in a relationship with chose you for a reason. They did not choose you just to be able to find someone else. They chose you because you are the one they want to be in a relationship with. This is one part of your self-picture, understanding how other people see you as a person. It is easy to make yourself believe that you need to work hard in order to make others like you or feel satisfied with who you are. This is not the case. The people you are surrounded with and the person you have a relationship with have chosen to be with you because they enjoy your company based on your real personality. They do not need you to prove yourself because they do not like you for the things you do but for the person you are.

This also can be hard to tell yourself and make yourself believe. Get help from someone you trust or a therapist that you can be honest with to understand these things. Life is not always the picture that you have in your head. Your relations in reality are not perfectly aligned with how you see them, since there are other people involved in them who may see them differently. A situation that you find threatening or scary may, in someone else’s mind, seem perfectly normal. And that is maybe the bottom line of this text. You should not always be convinced that your view of things is the right one.

Find a way to feel confident with who you are and everything else will fall in place.

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